Tag Archives: protest

Your Child’s Hair Could Affect His Discipline

Zoleka

This girl is doomed. Make sure the same does not happen to your child.

Hair and hairstyles have become a major issue in South Africa. Ever since the rebellion of some youths from Pretoria High School for Girls, there has been much debate about the correlation between hairstyles, hair length and discipline.

Finally, science has an answer. It has been discovered that anyone who does not maintain a neat, conservative hairstyle is absolutely doomed. If it’s a girl, tie those locks up, and if it’s a boy, make sure he keeps his hair short, or else… Such a person will have no chance to live a meaningful life and achieve any kind of success. Warn your children now.

If you need proof that anything other than a conventional, short, neatly cut hairstyle leads to focus and discipline, look no further than these young men who wasted their youth by growing their hair.

When Werner Kok grew his hair long, the curly mess caused him to make a nuisance of himself. His bad behaviour forced him onto the rugby field. Further ill-discipline resulted in him being included in the South African Sevens squad, also known as the Blitzbokke.

Things got worse for Kok. Regular lapses in discipline finally landed him in real hot water, and he was sentenced to be World Sevens Player of the Year for the 2015 season. Life gave Kok a second chance when he got injured at the start of the 2016 season.

There was hope that, because of his injury and time away from rugby, Kok would regain his focus, cut off his hair and do something meaningful with his life. This was not to be. In a total disregard for discipline, Kok kept his blonde locks as long as ever.

Finally, Kok reached an all-time low when he, through complete lack of discipline, was included in the squad to go to the Rio Olympics in 2016, where he added a bronze medal to his World Cup gold (2013) and Commonwealth gold (2014).

Not only is Seabelo Senatla’s hair long, but it’s also African. The pony-tailed speedster’s chance to obtain any kind of self-discipline is completely ruined. His dreadlocks were eventually seen by Paul Treu, who grabbed him and threw him into the Blitzbok team.

Despite tying his thin locks up in an effort to regain some self-control, Senatla’s raw, unabashed ill-discipline turned him into a devastating force, and he scored tries with reckless abandon. His wild, fast-paced life finally caught up with him, and turned him into the leading try scorer on the rugby sevens circuit two seasons in a row.

Senatla’s absolute lack of discipline got him gold medals in the Sevens World Cup (2013) and the Commonwealth Games (2014). Still, Senatla remained unapologetic about his complete lack of discipline, until he was also expelled to Rio for the Olympic Games.

Although he was initially saved from the bronze medal through injury before the semi-finals, fellow inmate Francois Hougaard (obviously also ill-disciplined – just look at all those tattoos!) unceremoniously dumped his own bronze medal onto Senatla, claiming he deserved it more.

Much has already been written about Cecil Afrika. Some blame him for the terrible discipline of young men like Kok, Senatla, and others. Afrika has been swinging his lengthy braids around long before they could shave, and there’s no doubt that they would have looked up to him.

Long-haired lack of discipline has meant that Afrika remained a failure most of his life. He was thrust into the Blitzbok sevens squad as far back as 2009, and even won the World Sevens Series as part of the 2009 team. His ill-discipline knew no bounds, and he was eventually World Sevens Player of the Year in 2011.

As he got older, Afrika never regained any form of discipline. His hair remained long and braided, and he continued to be a crucial member of the notorious Blitzbok team, until he too got sent to the Rio Olympics to carry the burden of winning an Olympic medal.

Few people have discipline as bad as Justin Geduld. Sometimes he zigs to the left, other times he zags to the right. His sidestep is almost unstoppable. Maybe, if he had more discipline, he would remain on the straight, and maybe even on the narrow as well.

Geduld’s locks aren’t very long, but it’s tied in a messy bundle behind his head. This unmistakeable source of ill-discipline ensured that Geduld just went nowhere in life, and he finally sidestepped his way into the Blitzbok squad.

He too got his just deserts. After a gold medal in the 2014 Commonwealth Games, the long-haired lowlife ended up in Rio as well, and just as you thought, he too now hangs an Olympic bronze medal around his ill-disciplined neck.

After only a short glance at Rosko Specman, one can immediately tell that this young man completely lacks all kinds of discipline. His hair is long, his style is African, and it’s tied in a bundle on top of his head. He simply oozes ill-discipline. It flows from the top of his skull and down through his entire body.

This terrible discipline makes him break the line quite often, and he sets up many tries for others. Sometimes he even scores himself. He can’t help it, he doesn’t have any self-control.

Specman’s shattering changes in pace wouldn’t happen if he had discipline. Sometimes he meanders aimlessly in one direction, then suddenly he bursts at high speed in a different direction, causing havoc for the opposition.

After causing a lot of trouble on rugby fields around the world, Specman was finally banished to Rio, where they hung an Olympic Bronze medal around his neck.

Trouble sometimes comes in big packages, and Tim Agaba is big. His African locks are not so big, but long enough to land him a spot in the South African sevens squad.

After he was chosen, his life just went downhill. His discipline got worse and worse, until he finally became a critical member of the Blitzboks. The big man couldn’t escape the hard life. He simply did not have the discipline.

In 2016, he too ended up being an Olympic bronze medallist in Rio.

The Blitzbokke’s playing style include pure evils, like creativity and flair. This has made them one of the most feared gangs in the underworld of sevens rugby. Perhaps, if they had more acceptable hairstyles, they would play more conservatively, like their fellow wasters in the 15-man game. Perhaps they may even quit rugby altogether and become accountants. One can only hope. BN

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

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University Fees Raised to Pay for Damages

#FeesMustFallPIETERMARITZBURG – Universities across South Africa have announced a sharp increase in student fees for 2017. This is to mitigate the rising cost in university maintenance.

The resent #FeesMustFall campaign resulted in a desperate need for infrastructure redevelopment. Students protesting for free education caused so much devastation that fees must be raised to pay for repairs.

During a press conference in Pietermaritzburg, Minister of Higher Education, Blade Nzimande, explained the government’s reasons for raising university fees. “We need money to rebuild libraries, auditoriums and computer labs,” he said. “Without it, there will be no education.”

“The #FeesMustFall campaign is causing a rise in university fees,” Nzimande added. “Maybe students need to study economics before they protest.”

Protesters blame the university for the damage to the university, and claimed that high price of tertiary education caused the destruction. “They made us start the fires,” hissed protester Shisa Isakhiwo. “It’s not our fault that we are burning down buildings.”

Student leaders reiterated that their protest will intensify, and that a lot more destruction can be expected.

“You can’t expect us to pay money for a university that looks like this,” screamed Nuisance Ngidi, another protester. “If we have to pay so much for education, we want proper classrooms, not these burnt, skorokoro classrooms. Fees must fall.”

“Why must we pay so much for university when it has no books, no computers and no roof?” added Shisa. “Fees must fall!”

In spite of threats made by students, higher education authorities remain resolute in their #FeesMustRise campaign.

“We will not budge,” lamented Nzimande. “The price of protest is high. If students want to protest, they must pay for it.” BN

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Dumisani Phisane – Current Affairs

Despite being previously disadvantaged, Dumisani managed to achieve the 30% mark required to pass matric. It was enough to enable him to secure his dream job: Being a journalist. Dumisani lives on his couch with his two plants.

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Affies School Boys Join Hair Protest

Afrikaans Hoër SeunskoolPRETORIA – Students at the Afrikaans Hoër Seunskool (Afrikaans Boys High School) joined the protest against hair regulations at schools. This is following the protest at nearby Pretoria Girls High about discrimination against African hair styles that had education authorities tearing their hair out over the last couple of days.

The bad hair day happened as learners congregated in front of the predominantly white, Afrikaans language school’s main gate and blocked access to the premises, demanding that their hairy qualms be heard.

The boys are outraged by the school’s hair policy, which seeks to ban all outrages hair styles, and claim that the school’s hair regulations discriminates against modern Western hair.

“The school’s hair policy stems from a time before the birth of Justin Bieber,” complained Bart Nel, a grade 11 pupil at Affies. “We live in the new, post-Bieber South Africa. We feel we are being oppressed.”

The boys told shocking stories about the humiliation they suffered when their hair were tested to make sure it fits in with the draconian regulations.

“Teachers would put their hands on the back of our necks,” cried Sias Reneke, in grade 8. “If they can’t fit four fingers between our collar and the hairline, we would be issued a long hair warning.”

Educators also allegedly often insult learners who don’t comply with their antiquated rules. “A teacher once told me I should comb my hair, and that I look like a mattress explosion,” sulked grade 10 student Japie Adam.

“One of the teachers claimed that my spiky hair could poke out his eye,” added Ernie Ellis. “It’s ridiculous. My spikes will bend.”

Students also told how they would use hair gel to keep their hair from falling into their eyes.

Modern Western hair styles, like the Mop Top, Messy Top, High Top and the Flamed-up Top are all outlawed by the school. The Mohawk, Faux-hawk, and the Spiky Do are also not permitted.

Gauteng MEC for education, Panyaza Lesufi, vowed that the department will look into the matter. “When it comes to hair it can be messy,” she said. “It won’t always be cut and dried.”

Here are some examples of illegal hair styles:

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a Mop Top.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a Mohawk.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with spiky hair.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a faux-hawk.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with the messy hair style.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with a wavy pomp.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with an emo cut.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with dreadlocks.

Justin Bieber

This is Justin Bieber with some kind of hair “style”.

Donald Trump

This is Donald Trump with the Wet Bieber. (Err, you mean wet beaver – Ed) BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

Xenophobic Attackers Will Be Sent To Somalia

The sensitivity training specialist

A Somali sensitivity training specialist prepares for a lesson.

DURBAN – Every person found guilty of committing a xenophobic crime will be sent to Somalia. That is the outline of a new plan being implemented by the South African government following a spate of attacks against foreigners in KwaZulu-Natal and elsewhere.

Vice President Gwede Mantashe announced the proposal at a press conference earlier today.

“We will be working closely with Al Shabaab in Somalia to accommodate these xenophobic villains,” he said. “We call them Xenofaults, because they are broken people, and what they do is wrong.”

Refugee camps will be set up in Somalia to concentrate the xenophobic brutes together. Al Shabaab will set up camps in the Xuddur and Bu’aale regions. These camps will form the basis of the National Sensitivity Towards Foreign Nationals Training Program.

The days will be spent breaking rocks, digging mass graves for fallen soldiers and sowing buttons back onto uniforms, while Somali terrorists scream insults about Shaka and his mother into their ears. Nights will be spent wailing and gnashing their teeth.

Mantashe believes that giving people the opportunity to learn how it feels to be hated for being from another place will help them understand why their actions are wrong.

“Well basically, these Xenofaults will get first-hand experience of what it’s like to live in a strange land where everyone wants to kill you,” he said. “I think the hostile environment will do them good.”

“Being South African means living with the spirit of Ubuntu towards those around you,” Mantashe continued. “The Xenofaults are people who really don’t want to be South African anymore. We’ll help them, and send them to Somalia.”

After six months, once the training program has run its course, the xenophobic hooligans will be reintegrated into society as proper, newly formed human beings.

Critics have slammed the proposed plan, calling it far-fetched and short-sighted.

Francois Cronkite of the Centre for Human Rights-related Mental Illness believes that xenophobia is a symptom of the other problems endemic to our society, which shapes our moral understanding.

“If years of Apartheid, where people have been hated for being different, haven’t taught people that hating others for being different is wrong, then nothing will,” he lamented. “We should just give them jobs to keep their hands busy and hope for the best.”

Pastor Ray Makhali of the Ministry of the Living Jesus believes the violence is happening because people misunderstand the Bible.

“Jesus told us to love thy neighbour,” reminded Pastor Makhali. “He never said anything that we must love thy neighbour, unless he’s from Zimbabwe.”

The pastor believes the only way to end xenophobia is through educating people about the real words of Jesus. “I don’t think those Somali warlords will teach people much about the Bible,” he sighed.

The xenophobic criminals will be taken to the Durban harbour, where they’ll be loaded onto a boat headed towards the Horn of Africa. There they will be captured by Somali pirates before getting shipped to their final destinations in rusty old military vehicles, surrounded by red scarves and RPGs. BN

Salim Malik - Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik – Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik is not sure where he’s from. That makes him a foreigner wherever he goes. Being a foreigner is all the experience he needs to be a foreign correspondent. Salim travels the globe hunting the news and chicken vindaloo.

The Statue of Nelson Mandela Must Go

Protesters gather around the offending Mandela statue.

Protesters gather around the offending Mandela statue.

PRETORIA – Thousands of students from the University of Pretoria marched to the Union Buildings and demanded the removal of the statue of Nelson Mandela.

“The traitor must go,” they chanted, as they covered the statue with black refuse bags.

“Madiba sold our people out when he negotiated with the whites,” explained Thoko Tsetste, who instigated the protest. “It’s because of him that white farmers still have land.”

“Mandela wanted reconciliation,” he continued. “We’ll give it to him. We will reconcile his statue to the scrap yard, rabbit ear and all.”

The mob circled the defenceless statue, swirling in a uniform chaos, and launched a second wave of assault.

“First we take down Madiba, then we take down Shaka,” they chanted, as they spray painted slogans across the base of the statue.

“Yes, you see, King Shaka was a tyrant,” elaborated Tstetse. “He attacked all the other tribes. He chased Moshoeshoe up the mountain and forced Mzilikazi to flee to the north. That’s why so many people of Lesotho and Zimbabwe come to South Africa. Now that Shaka is gone, they’re coming back home.”

“It’s obvious that Shaka is only a hero to the Zulu,” hissed Tsetse, “But most people in this country are not Zulu. We now have a Zulu president, therefore the statue of Shaka is a symbol of the oppression we experience under the tyranny of Jacob Zuma.”

The protest was met by a strong reaction from the pro-statue faction of the TUKS campus. Many of them gathered on higher ground, shouting abuse down at the anti-bronze protesters.

“Everybody is a hero to some and a villain to others,” insisted Chiliboy Morena, the fiery ringleader of the anti-anti-Madiba group. “We must remember the people who shaped our history, whether we like them or not. Even Nelson Mandela must be remembered, regardless of whether you think he’s a terrorist not.”

“You may think Mandela was a traitor, Shaka was a tyrant, Cecil John Rhodes was an evil colonialist or Paul Kruger had a beard, but these are the people who shaped our history,” he maintained.

“We as South Africans are who we are because of our past, all of it, the good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow, the great and the terrible, and we must remember all of it, if we are to remember who we are.”

Thoko Tstetse stuck his forefinger into the air and dismissed the sentiments of the pro-statueists.

“Those people all benefited from things like BEE, tenderpreneurship and Model C schooling, and are completely detached from the plight of the poor black,” he shrugged. “They can’t be taken seriously.”

Chiliboy Morena and his faction remain resolute in their opposition to the protest.

“Shacks are the real monuments of Apartheid, replied Morena. “That’s what we must tear down.”

The Department of Arts and Culture will convene on Wednesday to decide the fate of Nelson Mandela’s statue. BN

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena – Cultural Affairs

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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The Fall of Rhodes Statue Only The First Step (Mail & Guardian)

Boycott Woolworths for Selling Chinese Products

An angry protester demands that Woolworths save the rhino.

An angry protester demands that Woolworths save the rhino.

CAPE TOWN – An activist group last week started a social media campaign calling for consumers to boycott Woolworths and other retailers which import products from China.

Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) last week sent out its call in a newsletter and on Twitter, using the hashtag #BoycottWoolworths, to draw attention to what called they called the “mass massacre of rhinos in Southern Africa”.

The campaign says Woolworths imports several products from China including, well, nearly everything on the shelves that aren’t produced by South African farmers. “What does it matter if we hurt South African agriculture?” asked BDS spokeswoman Kwere Kunene. “Woolworths must be stopped at all cost.”

The BDS acknowledged that other stores are also selling Chinese products, but confirmed that they will maintain focus on Woolworths. “Rich people shop at Woolworths,” explained spokeswoman Kwere Kunene. “They have the ability to make a choice. We can’t expect poor people to make conscious decisions about food and other necessities, other than, ‘can I afford to buy it or not?’”

The ANC-lead South African government has no sanctions, and do not intend to impose any sanctions on China. Blade Nzimande, a minister in this China-endorsing government and leader of the ANC-aligned SA Communist Party (SACP), gave his assurance that SACP will join and mobilise in boycotting Woolworths and other such stores selling Chinese goods. “My government’s official position is irrelevant,” he insisted. “We will close Woolworths down.”

Nzimande said that other than a few people in top leadership, very few members of the SACP can afford to shop at Woolworths anyway, so it will be easy for them to boycott the supermarket chain.

The Minister of Higher Education added that South African freedom shall remain incomplete for as long as “The rhinoceros remain under siege”. BN

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

 

 

 

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EFF Storms Building, Demands Food

Julius Malema saying grace before the EFF tucked into Gauteng MPs's lunch

Julius Malema saying grace before the EFF tucked into Gauteng MPs’ nourishment

JOHANNESBURG – The Economic Freedom Fighters stormed the Gauteng Legislature on Tuesday, demanding to nationalise the provincial MPs’ lunch.

Terrified MPs handed over their skaftiens before getting escorted to safety by riot police. “It was horrible,” groaned a petrified official. “I was about to enjoy a delightful pastrami sandwich when they entered my office. I could only stand and watch while an EFF member gorged himself on my sarmie. “

Members of the revolutionary party swirled around the building, smashing windows and demanding more food. “We are hungry, and we spent all our money on red overalls,” explained one ravenous EFF mutineer.

Pieces of pastry were flying appetizingly through the air, smashing into the faces of the cackling mob. “We are Economic Food Fighters,” shrieked a rapacious rabble-rouser before attacking a comrade with a cream doughnut.

A sobbing MP, rescued by the police from the EFF mob, described how a rioter simply helped himself to her freshly poured glass of milk. “He just threw it down his throat remorselessly, but most of it ran down his cheeks and dripped onto the floor,” she snivelled. “But I’m not crying over spilt milk, I’m crying from all the teargas.”

Police fired rubber bullets and teargas in an attempt to disperse the large horde of EFF hooligans jammed at the entrance of the legislature, harassing passers-by while chanting: “Today free food, tomorrow free everything!”

The EFF’s firebrand leader, Julius Malema, stated that riots and chaos are important aspects of the party’s policy. “The EFF is the party for the poor,” reminded Malema. “We are creating jobs. Somebody needs to rebuild this place again after we destroy it.”

Malema also defended the party’s red overalls. “There is no greater issue in our democracy than the right to wear overalls,” he asserted. “We cannot even begin to fight poverty, inequality and wealth distribution while we are still struggling for our right to wear red overalls in parliament.”

The ANC condemned the EFF disturbance. “It’s disgusting, and no way to behave,” insisted provincial spokesman Nkenke Kekana “There are many more civil ways to loot the government.” BN

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Remington Steele - War Correspondent

Remington Steele – War Correspondent

Remington was born at gunpoint on the Cape Flats. He spent his whole life following guns around, shooting them with his camera. He believes the pen is mightier than the sword, but he’s still not sure where the fire arm fits into the equation. When not reporting on a war he… Oh, hang on. There’s always a war going on.

Shark Found in Mpumalanga Pothole

Pothole-sharkMACHADODORP – A woman in the Mpumalanga province of South Africa was terrorised by a terrifying shark on Tuesday. Rosie Morrison of Newcastle-upon-Tyne was lounging in her favourite pothole on the R36 between Machadodorp and Mashishing (formerly Lydenburg) when the frightening incident occurred.

“I was just there, you know, relaxing with a good Danielle Steel and a glass of cheap Shiraz when I noticed that fin,” said Rosie, still jittery after her ordeal. “It was just looming… menacingly.”

Miss Morrison managed to evacuate from the murky water to the safety of dry tar before the vicious aquatic beast could gnash off one of her legs.

The primary school teacher affirmed that the swift reaction of bystanders is what ultimately saved her life from coming to a gruesome end. “I wanted to jump out in horror immediately, but my friend Alison [Botha] insisted that we take a picture for her Instagram first,” she whispered. “Luckily she’s very quick with a camera, and I still made it out in time.”

The Mpumalanga Transport Department took note of the incident and stated that they will deal with the threat as soon as bureaucratically possible. “We will take every conceivable precaution to ensure people are safe from shark attacks,” asserted department spokesman Dumisani Malamule. “In the next financial year we will allocate funds to install shark nets over every pothole on every road in the province.”

Pothole Shark Hunter

An MTPA shark hunter hard at work.

An enquiry by the Mpumalanga Tourism and Parks Agency (MTPA) found that there is a steady proliferation of sharks in Mpumalanga potholes. “We are as of yet unable to determine where they come from,” said conservation expert Fanie Venter from the MTPA. “Although we suspect the rising number of larger potholes may be creating a suitable breeding environment for sharks.

The MTPA regards these pothole sharks as a pest. “Sharks are not indigenous to the area and must be eradicated in order to preserve the natural beauty of the province’s potholes,” he said.

Venter insists that fixing the potholes in order to wipe out the shark nuisance is not an option. He claims that potholes are essential to the area’s tourism industry. “People come here from the big cities to drive around and look at animals,” he exclaimed. “What are they going to talk about at work on Monday morning over a cup of Ricoffee if there are no bad roads for them to fuss about endlessly?”

Authorities are currently still attempting to apprehend the terrifying shark. BN

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Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

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