Tag Archives: Race

The 15 things that white people should know about black people

Every now and again I try to use this column for the greater good of mankind. Like Superman, Batman and Catwoman (okay maybe she’s not such a good example), I take my civil duties quite seriously.

I’ve often noticed how we continuously misunderstand each other as a nation. Black people in particular often feel as though they have to explain themselves to their fellow white brothers and sisters. This is normal for a 20-year-old democracy. However, I do believe the time has come for some things to be set straight and myths be busted.

Therefore, my South African people, being the model citizen I am, I have put together a little guide which should help accelerate the positive trajectory of race relations in our beautiful country.

1. Let’s just get this out of the way right now. Yes, black people wash their hair. Do I hear you ask how often? As often as any other race: every day for some, twice a week for others, once a month for others. Get the picture? Great. Let’s consider the matter buried then.

2. Criminals scare us, too. We don’t feel comforted by the fact that someone who’s the same race as us is robbing us. Crime is crime. So sit down, Steve Hofmeyr.

3. “You speak so well” is something you say to a two-year-old who’s just learned how to talk. No matter how well you mean it, stay away from that phrase – it makes you sound like a WASP berk.

4. Most of the time when we speak an African language, it’s not to exclude you or that we’re gossiping. There are times when the Queen’s language just doesn’t suffice. My Afrikaans people, you feel me, right?

5. If you have to say: “My black friend Lucy”, then you have a problem. We will automatically put you in the same box as closet racists. Sorry, I meant to say uptight liberals.

6. We’d also move to Australia (see point 2) if only they had Hip Hop Pantsula, vetkoek, DJ Fresh, the Big Five, Riaan Cruywagen … actually, I take that back. We wouldn’t move to Australia.

7. Calling black women “sisi, sister or girlfriend” doesn’t make you down with the people – it makes you sound patronising.

8. None of us represent the entire black race, so blanketed enquiries about why black people do this or that won’t get you anywhere. We’re individuals first before we are black.

9. We love it, oh do we love it, when you speak an African language. Not funnagalore or a patched-up version of Sotho. I’m talking about the real thing. If you speak an African language, or are making an honest attempt to, give yourself a high five right now.

10. Speaking of language, until the day you can say Nongqawuse properly, cool it with the constant pronunciation correction. You wouldn’t do that if the person was French or Italian – you’d think it’s cute.

11. Contrary to what the majority party’s youth league would like you to believe, we actually want you to stay and enjoy being here. South Africa wouldn’t be the same without you.

12. As the black team, we’d like to trade Jimmy Manyi for Michael Mol. Yes, we don’t want him that much.

13. There isn’t enough space in this column to express how intensely it bothers us when you grin when you make eye contact with a black person. It makes us feel like you’re afraid we’ll take your wallet. Next time you make eye contact with a colleague or stranger, either walk past or say “howzit”. Just don’t grin. It’s not warm, it’s fake.

14. We can swim. Oh come, don’t act like you weren’t thinking about it. Some of us can even scuba dive and snorkel.

15. And lastly my dear, fellow, beloved white countrymen, as the festive season looms and office parties start being planned, please note that there’s one song that should henceforth cease to be played at these parties. This is probably the most important point of this entire column.

The following is said with love, as we know how much you’re fond of this song. And we get it, at one point we were right there with you. However, there’s no easy way to say this and so I’m just going to go ahead and say it: We are sooo over Mandoza’s Nkalakatha. We’d like you to join us and press stop.

Written by Lerato Tshabalala, first appeared on Times Live

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Strijdom Bust Collapsed Due to Rabbit in Ear

The Strijdom Monument during better days.

The Strijdom Monument during better days.

PRETORIA – Leaked government documents revealed how the discovery of a rabbit in the ear of the bust of JG Strijdom lead to the collapse of the underground parking garage which destroyed the monument.

A massive sculptured head of Strijdom tumbled into a hole on 31 May 2001. The monument was virtually demolished. All that remained were sculptured horses on a plinth alongside the Strijdom head.

Johannes Gerhardus Strijdom, (commonly known as Hans Strydom) was Prime Minister of South Africa from 30 November 1954 to 24 August 1958.

Secret documents reveal that a carved rabbit was found in the ear of the Strijdom bust earlier that year, and that the Tswane municipality decided the offending rabbit should be removed. However, the covert operation to remove the rabbit was bungled up and the monument collapsed into the State Theatre parking situated below Strijdom Square (now known as Lillian Ngoyi Square).

Then-mayor Smangaliso Mkhatshwa was involved in the cover-up of the screw up. According to the documents it was felt that knowledge of the new ANC government’s involvement in the accidental demolition of the statue of an Apartheid statesman could sour already fragile race relations. A more sensitive explanation was needed.

Instead, the destruction of the monument was blamed on an act of God perpetrated specifically by God on the old Republic Day, the former holiday to celebrate Afrikaner independence from British rule in 1961, as a symbol of God’s hatred of the Afrikaner and the crime of Apartheid it committed against humanity.

The classified documents were leaked by a whistleblower concerned by the effect removing a rabbit from the ear of the effigy to Nelson Mandela will have on the iconic world leader’s 9-metre icon. “Who knows what will happen when they remove Madiba’s rabbit,” said the man who wished to remain anonymous. “Maybe the Union Buildings will fall onto Jacob Zuma.”

It is still unclear if government will go ahead with the planned forced removal of the rabbit from the ear of Mandela now that its record with tiny, bronzed Leporids has come to light. BN

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Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

Barend Strijdom – Law Correspondent

While serving time and trying to fight the system from the inside, Barend learnt a thing or two about the law. He follows the law closely, from a distance, and the law follows him. Do not tell anyone that he’s out.

Boeremag Member Grateful for RDP House

Low Cost HousingDANVILLE – Boeremag member Japie Greyvensteyn expressed his sincere appreciation towards President Jacob Zuma for the RDP house he received. Zuma handed keys to the new government-built houses over to him and several other residents of Danville, a low-income, multiracial neighbourhood of Pretoria West, as part of his 67 minutes of charity work to celebrate Mandela Day.

President Zuma took Mr. Greyvensteyn on a delightful tour through his brand-spanking new home. “Zuma pointed out that the living room is quite spacious,” he said. “I thought it would be perfect for secret meetings to plot the demise of the ANC government, but I just pointed out to him where the television’s going to go.”

The security guard at a shopping mall in Wonderboom found Zuma to be quite a charming fellow and thoroughly enjoyed the visit. “The president even suggested that he might come over for a cup of boeretroos one day,” laughed Greyvensteyn. “He should call ahead so that the kommandos could be paraat.”

The part of the building Greyvensteyn is most overjoyed about is the garage. According to him, the walls are nice and thick and should be able to contain most of an explosion. “We can build our regime changing bombs in there,” explained the Boeremag kommando. “If anything goes wrong, the blast shouldn’t be able to injure the children playing outside on the freshly government-planted grass in our new back garden.”

Technological features of the house did not escape Greyvensteyn. He took particular interest in the spic and span bathroom, which came with a pre-installed solar heating system. “If we break that down we could use the components to build an explosive device,” schemed the dissenter. “The geyser will make a nice bomb shell. Going without hot water is a small price to pay in the struggle for supremacy.”

The solid concrete floors are also a nice addition. “The last time I tried to mix an explosive concoction I burnt a hole in the makeshift floor of my little wooden Wendy house,” remembered Greyvensteyn. “Thankfully the government built us a house that should be able to withstand the wear and tear of our anti-government insurgency.”

Mandela DayNot even a personal visit from the president could change the mind of this enemy of the state. “It was a nice gesture,” he said while wiping away a stray tear. “My life, the lives of my family and the lives of my black and white neighbours will improve drastically. I thank the Lord and President Zuma for that. Still, the mutiny must continue. I don’t have a choice. Opposition to black rule is in my blood.”

According to the conspirator, Zuma was very convincing and he almost believed that the president cared about the plight of less fortunate white people. “When he gives houses to impoverished blacks, he does not do so as a publicity stunt,” he maintained. “He does it because he cares about them. When he gives houses to poor whites, it’s really just for the publicity.”

For now, however, the streets of Danville are filled with happiness as residents rejoice in receiving their new homes. “I want to thank Zuma from the bottom of my heart. This is a great step forward for the movement to restore white rule. Maybe Zuma is missing his days as a freedom fighter.” BN

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Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie Vokkens – Current Affairs

Manie enjoyed the privilege of Apartheid rule and never bothered to get a proper education. The regime change left him unskilled, unemployed and broke, so he settled for being a reporter. Now he’s only unskilled and broke.

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Chaos After Death of Mandela

Riots after the death of MandelaBETHULIE – A massive outburst of violence is expected all over South Africa as soon as Nelson Mandela is dead. Uhuru, as it is known, is a prophesy that white people will be “swept into the sea”, famously foretold by Siener van Rensburg many, many, many years ago.

White people are stocking up on baked beans, bully beef and paraffin. Biltong is being dried, beskuit is being baked. Pumpkins are being taken off the roof and into the basement. Brandy is being rationed, and dogs are being donated to the SPCA.

Wouter Veenstra and his family have managed to convert their home into a compound. Veensra is not taking any chances. The steel bars on the windows have been replaced by titanium, and the windows now boast bulletproof glass. The roof of the house has been covered with camouflage netting. Shelves along the walls are lined with enough food, fuel and water to last approximately two months. “Our only problem is human waste,” revealed Veenstra. “If they figure out how to block it in they may be able to stink us out.”

Still, Veenstra is not about to give up, and preparations for the day when South Africa will be engulfed in a sea of violence continues full steam. He’s got a whole team of his black farm workers digging a bunker. If they manage to break through the first line of defence, the Veenstra family plans to descend into the underground. “We will survive, come what may,” declared Veenstra. “They’re not gonna get us. We’ll go into hiding if we have to. We’re not afraid of anyone.”

Can you see the Veenstra home?

Can you see the Veenstra home?

The cattle farmer from the farm Lankverloren near Bethulie is absolutely convinced that the impending doom awaiting him and his family is unavoidable. “I went to the local farmer’s co-op market and they didn’t have a single panga left on the shelf,” he claims. “That’s when I knew that uhuru wasn’t just a rumour. The black store clerk ensured me that it was bought by a white farmer who needed it to clear a field, but I know he’s lying.”

According to the fearful farmer, this inevitability has been expected for some time. “White people are being murdered every day. They also kill more black people, just to smudge the numbers so that no one can tell that they are systematically exterminating white people.”

Although white people are convinced that chaos is inevitable, there seems to be some uncertainty as to why this will undoubtedly happen. “I don’t know why those blacks will get so bloodthirsty,” uttered Sandra Beneke from Sannieshof. “Maybe they will all grieve so much that only killing a white man will ease the pain.”

The Movement for African Uhuru (MAU) confirmed that the possibility of violence is not simply another case of white paranoia. “People don’t just die,” stated General Kgalefa Mogotsi, the comrade in charge of MAU. “White people caused Apartheid. It is their fault that Mandela will die, and they must pay.”

When asked why they are waiting for Mandela to die, Mogotsi replied that Mandela wouldn’t want them to kill everyone, so they can’t do it before he is dead. “It would be disrespectful to the father of the nation to destroy his legacy while he is still alive,” he remarked. “We must wait until after his death. Then we can destroy.”

Mogotsi claims that they don’t have a choice; it is their destiny to create anarchy. “Mandela is a man of peace,” he said. “We may not have peace without Nelson Mandela.”

MAU’s military wing has been practicing their chants. Not all members speak Afrikaans, and they needed to learn fast. Songs of brooms and sweeping white people into the ocean have been ringing out over the training grounds at a secret location in the southern Free State.

“Die besem, die besem!
Wat maak jy daarmee? Wat maak jy daarmee?
Jy vee daarmee, jy vee daarmee,
die wittes in die see!”

“We want to sing in Afrikaans while we are out on a spree,” mentioned Mogotsi over a bowl of pap en vleis. “Those whites must know exactly what we are saying. We don’t want to have any confusion amids the chaos.”

English: Young Nelson Mandela. This photo date...

A young Nelson Mandela, before he became a terrorist fighting for peace.

Black spokesmen keep assuring everyone that there will be no violent uprisings after Mandela’s death. “All we want are schools and jobs,” suggested Kagiso Bakone. “Retribution against white people for Apartheid is a waste of time and effort. Violence is stressful. We’ll leave that to the criminals.”

“Mandela has been old and frail for some time, and retired from political and public life long ago,” affirmed ANC spokesman Gijimi Cela. Peace and stability continued even without him.”

According to Mogotsi, those people are all MAU representatives. “Our agents are working hard to keep white people calm,” he revealed. “We need the element of surprise. We can’t get them if they’re hiding. We don’t want them to see us coming. Those whites won’t know what hit them.”

White people are not convinced either. “This is not just more white paranoia,” asserted the Freedom Front’s Pieter Rademeier. “We know it will happen. Blacks will make it happen, just because whites started a rumour that it will happen.”

“We were wrong when we expected destruction after Mandela was freed in ’90,” maintains Veenstra. “We were wrong when we expected everything to fall apart after Mandela became president in ’94. We are confident that it will be third time lucky. We can’t be wrong all the time.” BN

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Miriam Mokoena

Miriam Mokoena

Miriam defied her tribal elders and got an education. She then defied her tribal elders and became a journalist. Now she defies her tribal elders by reporting on her tribal elders.

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UCT Votes on Most Attractive Race

A study published by the University of Cape Town revealed the following insightful statistics. Turns out that, contrary to popular belief, the most attractive race is indeed the human race. Researchers from the university questioned a pool of 2640 respondents from various racial backgrounds, and it was discovered that a they find the human race most attractive. The findings are being passed on to society with the hopes of clearing up the misconceptions in the way it thinks. Society says it will look it over as the last episode of Generations is finished.

most-attractive-race

Cartoon by Jerm, South Africa’s 39th best cartoonist.

Visit his blog for more, or follow him on Facebook.