Tag Archives: racism

The 15 things that white people should know about black people

Every now and again I try to use this column for the greater good of mankind. Like Superman, Batman and Catwoman (okay maybe she’s not such a good example), I take my civil duties quite seriously.

I’ve often noticed how we continuously misunderstand each other as a nation. Black people in particular often feel as though they have to explain themselves to their fellow white brothers and sisters. This is normal for a 20-year-old democracy. However, I do believe the time has come for some things to be set straight and myths be busted.

Therefore, my South African people, being the model citizen I am, I have put together a little guide which should help accelerate the positive trajectory of race relations in our beautiful country.

1. Let’s just get this out of the way right now. Yes, black people wash their hair. Do I hear you ask how often? As often as any other race: every day for some, twice a week for others, once a month for others. Get the picture? Great. Let’s consider the matter buried then.

2. Criminals scare us, too. We don’t feel comforted by the fact that someone who’s the same race as us is robbing us. Crime is crime. So sit down, Steve Hofmeyr.

3. “You speak so well” is something you say to a two-year-old who’s just learned how to talk. No matter how well you mean it, stay away from that phrase – it makes you sound like a WASP berk.

4. Most of the time when we speak an African language, it’s not to exclude you or that we’re gossiping. There are times when the Queen’s language just doesn’t suffice. My Afrikaans people, you feel me, right?

5. If you have to say: “My black friend Lucy”, then you have a problem. We will automatically put you in the same box as closet racists. Sorry, I meant to say uptight liberals.

6. We’d also move to Australia (see point 2) if only they had Hip Hop Pantsula, vetkoek, DJ Fresh, the Big Five, Riaan Cruywagen … actually, I take that back. We wouldn’t move to Australia.

7. Calling black women “sisi, sister or girlfriend” doesn’t make you down with the people – it makes you sound patronising.

8. None of us represent the entire black race, so blanketed enquiries about why black people do this or that won’t get you anywhere. We’re individuals first before we are black.

9. We love it, oh do we love it, when you speak an African language. Not funnagalore or a patched-up version of Sotho. I’m talking about the real thing. If you speak an African language, or are making an honest attempt to, give yourself a high five right now.

10. Speaking of language, until the day you can say Nongqawuse properly, cool it with the constant pronunciation correction. You wouldn’t do that if the person was French or Italian – you’d think it’s cute.

11. Contrary to what the majority party’s youth league would like you to believe, we actually want you to stay and enjoy being here. South Africa wouldn’t be the same without you.

12. As the black team, we’d like to trade Jimmy Manyi for Michael Mol. Yes, we don’t want him that much.

13. There isn’t enough space in this column to express how intensely it bothers us when you grin when you make eye contact with a black person. It makes us feel like you’re afraid we’ll take your wallet. Next time you make eye contact with a colleague or stranger, either walk past or say “howzit”. Just don’t grin. It’s not warm, it’s fake.

14. We can swim. Oh come, don’t act like you weren’t thinking about it. Some of us can even scuba dive and snorkel.

15. And lastly my dear, fellow, beloved white countrymen, as the festive season looms and office parties start being planned, please note that there’s one song that should henceforth cease to be played at these parties. This is probably the most important point of this entire column.

The following is said with love, as we know how much you’re fond of this song. And we get it, at one point we were right there with you. However, there’s no easy way to say this and so I’m just going to go ahead and say it: We are sooo over Mandoza’s Nkalakatha. We’d like you to join us and press stop.

Written by Lerato Tshabalala, first appeared on Times Live

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Steve Hofmeyr Reveals New Political Party Manifesto

Steve Hofmeyr

“Ermagherd! Pollytieks!” – Steve Hofmeyr

PRETORIA – Afrikaans singer and Apartheid activist, Steve Hofmeyr, threatened to create his own political party if he gets one million supporters. After much campaigning by his most dedicated worshippers, he managed to scrape together 189 000 followers. He went ahead to form his political party anyway.

This new organisation will be named the Toeka Party, or TP for short. “Toeka refers to a time long gone,” explained Hofmeyr. “We demand change, to change things back to the days before everything changed.”

Even though the next election is still far into the future, Hofmeyr and his cohorts presented the new Toeka Party’s manifesto.

The manifesto contained several key points Hofmeyr feels are essential to transform the transformation of South Africa into something slightly less transformative, and, according to Steve, those key points are as follows:

“It will be out with the new, and in with the old. We will get rid of the Old New South Africa, and it will be in with the New New South Africa, which will be more like the Old Old South Africa, essentially making the New New South Africa a New Old South Africa.

In this New New South Africa, every man will have the right to sing Die Stem whenever he likes. Okay, I realise that every man has the right to sing Die Stem, even now in the current New South Africa. But when I’m president, singing Die Stem in its entirety will not symbolise a desire to bring back Apartheid any more. Mostly because Apartheid would already be back.

The constitution will be changed so that freedom of speech will include freedom from responsibility and freedom from consequence, except for Julius Malema. He will be held accountable for his words no matter what.

Every Boer will have a bakkie. If you can’t afford a bakkie, one will be given to you. No bank or sponsor will be allowed to take away your bakkie, no matter what you say or do.

Men will be allowed to marry only one woman, and only have children with this one woman. Illegitimate children will be unacceptable. This is the Afrikaner way. None of this Black African “marry lots of woman and have children left, right and centre” shenanigans will be tolerated. I am an Afrikaner, and my party will exist purely to promote the Afrikaner way of life.

We, as a party, will work towards a justice system where blacks who are caught speeding at over 160km/h will get released on bail of R5 000, and whites on only R500.

If I’m president, everybody will write with their right hand. The left won’t be tolerated.

Everybody will support the Blue Bulls. Also, I will ensure that every Blue Bull is made a Springbok. Eventually, I will phase out all the other teams, and we’ll be left with only one Blue Bull team, who will play against themselves. And none of them will eat off the floor.

The war against puppeterror will be stepped up. Every person who owns a puppet will be accused of idolatry, branded a heretic and forced into exile. All puppets will be gathered by a special new police unit called Kleivoet. We’ll build a big bon fire and burn them all while sitting around it drinking gemmerbier and singing Neil Diamond songs.

And finally, in the interest of public decency, South Africans will be strongly discouraged from un-Steve-ing themselves.”

According to a source close to Hofmeyr, the singer-recently-turned-politician will travel to Bronkhorstspruit to kick off a nationwide pannekoek sale to raise funds for the TP campaign. Hofmeyr hopes to secure enough funding to register the party for the 2019 election.

The entertainer is undaunted by the mammoth task of leading a political organisation. “I’ve been to many a party in my life. How hard can this be?” BN

Saartjie Vermaak - Entertainment News

Saartjie Vermaak – Entertainment News

Saartjie wanted to be a pop singer but she couldn’t sing. Instead, she started following pop singers around. She became a journalist to avoid getting arrested.

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Letter to the Editor: We Are Sorry for White Oppression

red-october-protest

Dear Afrikaner people, we are sorry.

After reading about the Red October march yesterday and seeing some of the things angry Afrikaner people had to say, I have taken it upon myself to apologise to you for the oppression that Black people have put you through. Still on apologies, I would also like to apologise for the way we have tried to exterminate you by committing genocidal crimes against your race. How dare we?

Black people are poor and get killed in the townships daily, but you are White Afrikaner people and you deserve better. We are sorry for thinking that crime is also an issue when it affects Black people. We are sorry for thinking that Afrikaners would experience the general problem of crime like the rest of the country. Those people who live in townships that average 5 murders a week should also get over themselves and apologise to you for these genocidal murders that account for a whopping 1.8% of South Africa’s murder statistic.

We are also sorry for the economic oppression we have put you through. With the White unemployment rate at a whole 6%, how could people whose unemployment rate is over 30% not realise how much they are oppressing you? I am sorry that these Blacks do not see how oppressed you are, with all that control of the economy that you have.

How could we be so inconsiderate, to look from the comfort of our lavish RDP houses while Afrikaners suffer from their farmhouses, surrounded by the hectares of land they own? We are truly sorry for that.

His musical and political majesty Steve Hofmeyr told us that Apartheid “wasn’t bad because it gave us good schools”. We are sorry for questioning him. We apologise for being ungrateful after all that amazing Bantu education that the Apartheid government gave Black people.

Most importantly, we are sorry that we don’t understand you. We apologise for not understanding that the problem of crime targets specifically your race. I hope that one day the oppression of Whites by Blacks in this country will end, and people will no longer be scared to wave the Apartheid flag and sing Die Stem whenever they want. Sorry for everything.

Yours truly

Siyabonga Nyezi

@Siya_THATguy