Tag Archives: Raoul Duke

Your Child’s Hair Could Affect His Discipline

Zoleka

This girl is doomed. Make sure the same does not happen to your child.

Hair and hairstyles have become a major issue in South Africa. Ever since the rebellion of some youths from Pretoria High School for Girls, there has been much debate about the correlation between hairstyles, hair length and discipline.

Finally, science has an answer. It has been discovered that anyone who does not maintain a neat, conservative hairstyle is absolutely doomed. If it’s a girl, tie those locks up, and if it’s a boy, make sure he keeps his hair short, or else… Such a person will have no chance to live a meaningful life and achieve any kind of success. Warn your children now.

If you need proof that anything other than a conventional, short, neatly cut hairstyle leads to focus and discipline, look no further than these young men who wasted their youth by growing their hair.

When Werner Kok grew his hair long, the curly mess caused him to make a nuisance of himself. His bad behaviour forced him onto the rugby field. Further ill-discipline resulted in him being included in the South African Sevens squad, also known as the Blitzbokke.

Things got worse for Kok. Regular lapses in discipline finally landed him in real hot water, and he was sentenced to be World Sevens Player of the Year for the 2015 season. Life gave Kok a second chance when he got injured at the start of the 2016 season.

There was hope that, because of his injury and time away from rugby, Kok would regain his focus, cut off his hair and do something meaningful with his life. This was not to be. In a total disregard for discipline, Kok kept his blonde locks as long as ever.

Finally, Kok reached an all-time low when he, through complete lack of discipline, was included in the squad to go to the Rio Olympics in 2016, where he added a bronze medal to his World Cup gold (2013) and Commonwealth gold (2014).

Not only is Seabelo Senatla’s hair long, but it’s also African. The pony-tailed speedster’s chance to obtain any kind of self-discipline is completely ruined. His dreadlocks were eventually seen by Paul Treu, who grabbed him and threw him into the Blitzbok team.

Despite tying his thin locks up in an effort to regain some self-control, Senatla’s raw, unabashed ill-discipline turned him into a devastating force, and he scored tries with reckless abandon. His wild, fast-paced life finally caught up with him, and turned him into the leading try scorer on the rugby sevens circuit two seasons in a row.

Senatla’s absolute lack of discipline got him gold medals in the Sevens World Cup (2013) and the Commonwealth Games (2014). Still, Senatla remained unapologetic about his complete lack of discipline, until he was also expelled to Rio for the Olympic Games.

Although he was initially saved from the bronze medal through injury before the semi-finals, fellow inmate Francois Hougaard (obviously also ill-disciplined – just look at all those tattoos!) unceremoniously dumped his own bronze medal onto Senatla, claiming he deserved it more.

Much has already been written about Cecil Afrika. Some blame him for the terrible discipline of young men like Kok, Senatla, and others. Afrika has been swinging his lengthy braids around long before they could shave, and there’s no doubt that they would have looked up to him.

Long-haired lack of discipline has meant that Afrika remained a failure most of his life. He was thrust into the Blitzbok sevens squad as far back as 2009, and even won the World Sevens Series as part of the 2009 team. His ill-discipline knew no bounds, and he was eventually World Sevens Player of the Year in 2011.

As he got older, Afrika never regained any form of discipline. His hair remained long and braided, and he continued to be a crucial member of the notorious Blitzbok team, until he too got sent to the Rio Olympics to carry the burden of winning an Olympic medal.

Few people have discipline as bad as Justin Geduld. Sometimes he zigs to the left, other times he zags to the right. His sidestep is almost unstoppable. Maybe, if he had more discipline, he would remain on the straight, and maybe even on the narrow as well.

Geduld’s locks aren’t very long, but it’s tied in a messy bundle behind his head. This unmistakeable source of ill-discipline ensured that Geduld just went nowhere in life, and he finally sidestepped his way into the Blitzbok squad.

He too got his just deserts. After a gold medal in the 2014 Commonwealth Games, the long-haired lowlife ended up in Rio as well, and just as you thought, he too now hangs an Olympic bronze medal around his ill-disciplined neck.

After only a short glance at Rosko Specman, one can immediately tell that this young man completely lacks all kinds of discipline. His hair is long, his style is African, and it’s tied in a bundle on top of his head. He simply oozes ill-discipline. It flows from the top of his skull and down through his entire body.

This terrible discipline makes him break the line quite often, and he sets up many tries for others. Sometimes he even scores himself. He can’t help it, he doesn’t have any self-control.

Specman’s shattering changes in pace wouldn’t happen if he had discipline. Sometimes he meanders aimlessly in one direction, then suddenly he bursts at high speed in a different direction, causing havoc for the opposition.

After causing a lot of trouble on rugby fields around the world, Specman was finally banished to Rio, where they hung an Olympic Bronze medal around his neck.

Trouble sometimes comes in big packages, and Tim Agaba is big. His African locks are not so big, but long enough to land him a spot in the South African sevens squad.

After he was chosen, his life just went downhill. His discipline got worse and worse, until he finally became a critical member of the Blitzboks. The big man couldn’t escape the hard life. He simply did not have the discipline.

In 2016, he too ended up being an Olympic bronze medallist in Rio.

The Blitzbokke’s playing style include pure evils, like creativity and flair. This has made them one of the most feared gangs in the underworld of sevens rugby. Perhaps, if they had more acceptable hairstyles, they would play more conservatively, like their fellow wasters in the 15-man game. Perhaps they may even quit rugby altogether and become accountants. One can only hope. BN

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

Advertisements

Wayde van Niekerk Investigated by Olympic Committee for Hyperalienism

wayde-van-niekerk

Wayde van Niekerk points in the direction of his celestial ancestors.

RIO DE JANEIRO – South African athlete and Olympic gold medalist, Wayde van Niekerk, is under scrutiny from the authorities, following his performance at the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

The sprinter from Bloemfontein in the Free State won gold in the 400m, smashing the long-standing record by American Michael Johnson in the process. Van Niekerk ran the 400m in 43.03 seconds, 0.15 seconds faster than the 43.18 Johnson ran in 1999.

In the aftermath of the race, allegations emerged that Van Niekerk may in fact be part Alien.

According to Olympic rules, athletes competing in the games must be fully human. Having Alien DNA, however little, could constitute an unfair advantage.

Hyperalienism is a condition where extra-terrestrial genetics get fused with that of a human. This fusion causes higher EBE (Extra-terrestrial Biological Enhancement), the result of which may be rapidly contracting muscles, superior stamina or superhuman strength.

The IOC has launched an investigation to determine the amount of EBE in Van Niekerk’s body. To date, the IOC is inclined not to comment on the matter, and all documentation remains tightly sealed.

Should Van Niekerk be found to be above the acceptable level of EBE, he may have to undergo treatment to subdue the effects of his condition.

Reaction amongst other athletes widely varied. British marathoner, Paula Radcliffe, in an interview on BBC radio said, “I fear that when we talk about it in terms of fully expecting no other result than Wayde van Niekerk to win that 400m at the Olympics, then it’s no longer sport and it’s no longer an open race.”

American sports journalist Kate Fagan defended Van Niekerk. In a column for ESPN, Fagan wondered why the South African runner is still on trial. “We have no idea on what point of the biological continuum each athlete resides, and who might have what advantages. And without that knowledge, the people currently ringing the alarm bells on Wayde Van Niekerk are actually engaging in discriminatory behaviour,” Fagan pointed out.

“We need to remember these are human beings,” IAAF President Sebastian Coe told reporters in Rio. “Even if they are part alien, they are still human beings. This is a sensitive subject, they are athletes, they are sons, they are brothers, and we need to be very clear about this. We will treat this sensitively. We need to go back and have the right people looking at this.”

In the meantime, Van Niekerk will hang on to his gold medal.

“I am not a fake,” he told News24 yesterday. “I am natural. I am just being Wayde. I don’t want to be someone I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be someone people want me to be.” BN

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

New Rugby Rule: Victor Matfield May Play with a Kierie

Victor Matfield with a kierie

Victor Matfield resting his mature legs in between Bulls practice sessions.

AUCKLAND – The International Rugby Board (IRB) has passed a controversial law that would allow the ageing former Springbok captain, Victor Matfield, to continue his never ending career.

The new law would allow players, in particular the 38 year old Matfield, to play with the aid of a kierie to support the wilting knees and cowering back.

In a special meeting held in Auckland, New Zealand, the IRB decided that the fragility of old age should no longer be the deciding factor when it comes to players hanging up their boots. It was determined that a kierie may be used by players to sustain their elderly bodies.

The IRB laid out strict rules to regulate the use of a kierie during on-field play.

The kierie may be used for support, to allow Matfield to walk upright during the loose phases, but may not be used to give the player an advantage over the opposition.

During lineouts the kierie may not be used. Assistance for the jump must come from teammates, as always. Once the line-out is completed, Matfield may pick up his kierie and hobble to rejoin the maul.

Using the kierie for defensive purposes, such as tripping an attacking player by sticking it in front of his legs is strictly forbidden, and considered a red card offence. Shielding the ball from advancing defenders (known as cynical kierieing) will also not be tolerated.

Matfield and his kierie in action.

Matfield and his kierie in action.

Although the kierie may not be used to ruck the ball backwards, it can provide a foundation while pushing in the scrum.

At no point will a player be allowed to play the ball with his kierie while he is on the ground, although lifting yourself off your knees with the use of a kierie to play the ball will be permitted.

The kierie may only be manufactured from a soft wood. While it may increase the chance of cracking the kierie, it will decrease the chance of cracking a skull.

Matfield is absolutely thrilled about the new rugby rules. “Now I can play until I’m 50,” he grinned. “The Bulls will have no excuse to stop picking me.”

The end is nowhere in sight for the line-out specialist, who retired from rugby in 2011, but made a comeback in 2014. “Those days were hell,” he recalled. “I never want to do that to myself again. I really missed getting trampled in the rucks, pummelled in the driving mall and driven to the ground with a tackle. It was painful for me not to have so much pain in my life anymore.”

“As long as I can still hear the whistle, I’ll keep playing rugby,” he continued. “If only they would legalise on-field hearing aids, so I could hear the lineout call.”

Players from New Zealand and Australia are less thrilled about the new rules. “What the bloody heck is a keerey?” a few of them groaned.

Queensland Reds lock forward, James Horwell, complained about the extension of Matfield’s career. “I was hoping that one of these days we might be able to win a lineout ball again,” he moaned. “I might have to infuse myself with kangaroo DNA to extend my jump.”

Matfield is expected to test his new kierie during a SupeRugby match for the Bulls later this season. BN

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

Ebola Coming to South Africa

Bafana Bafana in training for AFCON 2015

Bafana Bafana in training for AFCON 2015

SOWETO – The South African Football Association (SAFA) has announced that it will enter a bid to bring ebola back to South Africa in 2015.

Morocco was set to host the African Cup of Nations (AFCON) in January/February 2015 but pulled out, claiming they won’t be able to handle such an event. South Africa and Ghana were the only countries that responded to the Confederation of African Football (CAF)’s request to handle the ebola emergency.

South Africa also hosted ebola back in 2013, taking over when Libya pulled out due to security concerns. No country has ever hosted the occasion back to back in its entire 57 year history.

Ebola is very popular in South Africa, but concerns have been raised about hosting it. “We have been struggling lately, and I don’t think losing on home soil twice in a row will help our country’s morale,” said sports commentator Jabulani “The Peacemaker” Mangena.

There is hope that the new Bafana Bafana coach, Shakes Mashaba, will make a difference. “We’re pulling out all to stops to make sure we’re ready for ebola,” assured Shakes.”If it comes, we’re going to beat it.”

At the moment the South African public is not very interested in having the event again, but SAFA is confident that it will change. “It’s still early days,” remarked SAFA President Danny Jordaan, “but we all know that when the time comes, ebola fever will spread like wildfire.” BN

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

German Invasion of Brazil Start of World War 3

Brazilians in pain after the brutal German attack in Belo Horizonte.

Brazilians in pain after the brutal German attack in Belo Horizonte.

BELO HORIZONTE – Following the German decimation of Brazil, its people, its hopes and aspirations, the Brazilian government formally announced its intention to retaliate by any and [nearly] all means possible. The announcement sent mild sparks of fear throughout the diplomatic community.

“We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills, but we won’t fight them on the football pitch,” declared Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff in a tear-filled press conference.

In the afternoon hours of Tuesday, 11 July, German forces rendezvoused at a football stadium in Belo Horizonte, the capital of the State of Minas Gerais in Brazil. After declaring its intention to become the champions of the world, the Germans proceeded to systematically annihilate their South American enemies.

Germanic vorsprung durch technik shone through from the onset of the skirmish, and in the space of 30 minutes they precision engineered an assault so devastating that it completely shattered the Brazilian nation physically, spiritually and space-dimensionally.

Despite sporadic acts of heroism, the Brazilians simply could not recover from the severity of the initial onslaught, and the Europeans continued to display their superiority.

The Germans, steadfastly fuelled by the philosophy that arbeit macht frei, kept on working hard, pounding the Brazilian defensive line, single-mindedly chipping away at the Samba Kings’ resolve.

The relentless blitzkrieg absolutely shattered the morale of the 200 million people-sized nation. Within a mere 90 minutes, Germany left Brazil so unsatisfyingly ravished that the country was forced to admit a humiliating defeat.

Not since the glory days of the holocaust has Germany been able to break the spirit of a people so swiftly and so severely. “I feel like I’m incarcerated at Auschwitch,” cried Jorge Camparo, eyewitness on the scene of the assault.

German nationalists are ecstatic over the advancement their side made in Brazil. “Deutschland über alles,” they shouted as they jubilantly took to the streets. BN

 

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

Mbalula Introduces Racial Quotas for Golf

Fikile Mbalula tries his hand at golf.

Fikile Mbalula tries his hand at golf.

JOHANNESBURG – Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula plans to introduce a quota system for golf in an attempt to rectify the racial imbalance currently prevailing in the elitist sport. At present, all South African golfers competing in major international events are white, which is a clear indication that black golfers are underrepresented on the global golf calendar.

Failure to field 60% black players in major tours will lead to golfers being banned from being South African at professional events. Golfers like Ernie Els, Retief Goosen and Charl Schwartzel will no longer be able to say they are South African when they compete in the PGA Tour. They will not be allowed to display the South African flag, and any good performance will no longer be a source of national pride for the people back at home.

This is according to resolutions taken by the Department of Sport following a meeting between Mbalula and the provincial MECs for sport. Mbalula said the group decided to introduce a 60% representation quota after noting that black kids just don’t really play much golf.

The minister cited the great success of the quota system in other sporting codes as inspiration for the new resolution. “As we’ve seen with the rapid transformation of rugby and cricket, forcing top down representation magically spurs on development,” he said.

Mbalula claims that, ten years ago, a kid living in a zinc shack in Tokoza would never have been able to own a cricket bat and pads, and that because of the achievements of black players like Makhaya Ntini, even to the poorest of the poor inexplicably now have access to expensive cricket equipment.

“We’re not sure how it works, but every time Lonwabo Tsotsobe bowls a delivery, a cricket bat poofs into existence in a young boy’s shack,” explained Mbalula.

Even rugby tells of a fairy-tale transformation where lives have been touched by national quotas. “The success on the rugby field of players like Brian Habana and Beast Moriwa has enabled township children to enjoy the same access to high quality facilities and fantastic programs run by experienced coaches as children from middle-class areas.”

Mbalula expects the same transformation success story to happen in golf. “If we have black South African players competing in international tournaments, golf courses will mushroom up in township areas, making the sport accessible to all. If kids from disadvantaged communities can see black players perform, they will be able to afford the great cost involved in playing golf, including clubs, balls and club membership fees.”

In fact, the quota system worked so well in other sport that the ministerial department plans to raise the required number of players of colour in rugby, cricket, netball and athletics as well. “I can already see a magnificent athletics track manifesting itself in a dusty Tembisa field by the sheer willpower of the transformative spirit,” grinned Mbalula.

The minister remains confident that an unwavering belief in supernatural anomalies will finally transform South African sport into a representative entity. “We can make unreasonable demands that would require divine intervention to reshape the socio-economic fabric of society in order to achieve transformation while maintaining a winning team,” remarked Mbalula, “and call everyone who don’t succeed a bunch of losers.” BN

 

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

.

.

Related Articles

Quinton de Kock Allowed to Play without Diaper

Cuddlers Quinton de Kock T20 Nappies

Cuddlers Quinton de Kock T20 Nappies

CHITTAGONG – The parents of South African cricketer Quinton de Kock has decided to let the young wicketkeeper/batsmen take the field without wearing his diaper for the first time in an official match.

“We feel that he has grown sufficiently as a cricketer and as a boy, and that he’s ready to take the next step,” remarked Ernest de Kock, father of the young run-making machine. “He also hasn’t wet himself in a while, so we believe that we can  take a chance.”

The decision comes as no surprise to those who have been following little Quinty’s meteoric rise on the international arena. “He’s been working extremely hard at his batting and fielding, as well as fitness training and also potty training,” insisted Protea Coach Russell Domingo. “The moment is ripe for him to take it up a notch.”

Nampak, the company behind Cuddlers Nappies and official sponsor of little Quinty, has threatened to withdraw their sponsorship deal if Quinton stops using their product.  “This is very unfortunate,” sighed company CEO André de Ruyter. “We were looking towards establishing a signature line of Cuddlers Quinton de Kock T20 Nappies, designed specifically for the more sportingly active baby. Without Quinty, that might be in jeopardy.”

Quinton is very confident that he’ll be able to perform on the field without the safety and comfort of a diaper. “Ooga ba tete ba  mmm ma goo,” he said, before his mother flew another aeroplane full of Purity into his mouth.

Although a bit worried, Mamma de Kock is excited to see her precious baby grow up. “We’re so proud of the little man,” she said. “He could barely crawl, but he was already swinging a bat around. As soon as he was able to stand up he started smashing balls all over the place… even broke a few windows and a coffee table.”

“Just look at him now, playing at a T20 World Cup,” Dad De Kock chipped in. “They grow up so fast.” BN

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

.

Related Articles

South African Cricket Rocked by Match-fixing Scandal

South African cricket team

Proudly South African losers.

CENTURION – South African cricket has been rocked by another match-fixing scandal after rumours emerged that the national test team will be deliberately losing all future matches. Not since the devil made former captain Hansie Cronje take money from a bookie to bat badly has a scheme so shameful been suspected to have been hatched in the South African cricket camp. It is believed that the Proteas will disgracefully throw tests in an attempt to remove themselves from the top spot on the world rankings. “Now that we’re number one, nobody wants to play us anymore,” Captain Graeme Smith reportedly whinged to a team mate. Since South Africa became the planet’s top ranked team their test match schedule started looking leaner than a lamb chop from Woolworths. The test team played considerably fewer matches than other countries, competing with Zimbabwe to be the side least likely to get a game. To make matters worse, India reduced their tour in December to only two tests. This, however, did not save them from losing the series. “The Indian team struggles outside of India because it’s hard to get a decent curry outside Mumbai,” explained Captain MS Dhoni during the post-match interview. “We are malnourished and it affects our performance.” While some claims that it is a perfectly acceptable reason for India to demand a shorter tour, not everyone is convinced. “As a professional sports team you need to perform regardless of the curry you are dished up,” remarked former Indian batsmen Ravi Shastri. Very few test matches are scheduled to involve South Africa over the next two years, with the T20 and ODI world cups used as a pretext to avoid playing the Proteas in the five day version of the game. Recent results suggest that the pattern won’t change unless something drastic is done. “The South African team has not lost a test series in five years,” said veteran commentator Peter Kirsten. “They should be able to maintain that unbeaten record easily if they don’t play any games.” Experts following the gentlemen’s game are concerned that it may be a deliberate ploy to avoid embarrassment. “The tri-partheid alliance of England, Australia and India don’t like losing against a team from a nation not considered to be a part of the inner circle of the cricketing frat-tyranny,” suggested Wendell Thumper, an avid cricket fan and one of the world’s foremost armchair conspiracy theorists. “They will do anything they can to tilt power back in their favour.” “In the end, the Proteas need to make a choice – do they want to play, or do they want to win,” he continued. Cricket South Africa emphatically denies the rumours. “The Proteas are so far ahead on points that they will have to lose all their games for the next two years before they’d drop a place on the rankings,” insisted CEO Haroon Lorgat. “They’ll be playing so few matches that losing really won’t do much to change their empty touring schedule.” “Clearly, they might as well take their chances and try to win.” BN  

Banana Newsline is on Facebook and Twitter, or get the Free Newsletter!

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun. .

DA Promises a Winning Bafana Bafana

The Bafana Bafana team, proudly brought to you by the ANC.

The Bafana Bafana team, proudly brought to you by the ANC.

CAPE TOWN – As part of their plan for a South Africa “we can all believe in”, the Democratic Alliance announced that they will ensure a triumphant Bafana Bafana team.

In a press conference on Monday, the party insisted that a winning national team is essential to the wellbeing of all South Africans. “The people need houses, food, service delivery and a winning Bafana,” exclaimed Winston Rabotapi, DA shadow minister of sport.

Winston Rabotapi

The main opposition party’s strategy for a better Bafana Bafana include removing corruption at all levels of SAFA, improving the distribution of soccer balls to all areas and establishing a Youth Player Wage Subsidy to ensure the development of younger players. The party also intends to introduce tax breaks for clubs who contribute players to a winning national team. “Clubs will do anything for money,” said Rabotapi. “If we dangle a carrot, they will try to eat it.”

According to the DA, under ANC rule the country has seen a steady decline in Bafana Bafana’s performance. “The legacy of Nelson Mandela is that of a winning team, with players like Doctor Khumalo, Neil Tovey and Mark Fish raising the AFCON trophy during his term in office,” claimed Rabotapi. “Since then, the level of performance gradually deteriorated.”

The party maintains that the squad’s success rate is at an all-time low. “With Jacob Zuma as president, the team couldn’t even beat Ethiopia or Botswana to qualify for the world cup tournament,” Rabotapi said. “Even prominent ministers have started calling them “a bunch of losers”.”

Fikile Mbalula

Sports minister Fikile Mbalula demanded that the DA retract their comments. “Zuma doesn’t know anything about soccer,” he insisted. “The ANC is not out there on the field. It’s an insult to the ANC and the players of Bafana Bafana to suggest otherwise.”

EFF’s Commander-in-Chief Julius Malema reiterated calls to nationalise South African football. “Soccer belongs to the people,” he declared. “We must nationalise the clubs to ensure that the people can benefit from having a winning team.”

Despite criticism, the DA remains firm. “We will restore the glory of South African football,” asserted Rabotapi passionately. “A Vote for the DA is a vote for Bafana.” BN

Banana Newsline on Facebook and Twitter

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

RELATED ARTICLES

Kallis to Retire, Take Up Botany

Jacques KallisDURBAN – South African batsmen and greatest all-rounder in the history of all-rounders, Jacques Kallis, has announced his retirement from test cricket.

The former king of cricket plans on taking up botany as a new career. “After 18 years of being part of the Proteas team, I’ve learnt a few things about flowers,” says Kallis.

The knight of Newlands intends to grow proteas near Stellenbosch. “Proteas had been a part of my life for so long that if I can no longer be one, I’ll grow one.”

The end of the Jacques Kallis career will leave a Vredefort crater-sized hole in South African, and indeed world cricket. “It’s been 21 years of test cricket since South Africa’s return from the wilderness of isolation,” said former cricketer Peter Kirsten, “and Kallis was there for most of it.”

Andrew Hudson is adamant that it’ll be nearly impossible to replace Jacques Kallis. The convener of selectors maintains that you really need five players to fill in for his presence. “Kallis is worth a bowler, a fielder, two batsmen and then you need someone to do that silent, brooding stare from the changeroom balcony” he said. “We will petition the ICC to change the rules to allow 15 players in a team.”

For Kallis, retirement was a tough decision. “I’m still better than the other players, but I’m not as good as I want to be,” remarked Kallis. “So I’m losing against myself, and I don’t like losing.”

Although people have generally been supportive of Kallis and his decision, not everyone is thrilled. “I think he should keep playing,” shrugged his sister, Janine. “He’ll spend his days walking through the house playing shadow shots or phantom bowling and drive me bonkers. And trust me, you know he can drive. I’ll end up feeling like a Bangladeshi bowler.”

Jacques Kallis played his final game against India in Durban, scoring a century, sparking rumours that he’s only retiring from bowling. “He says he’s retiring because he’s not contributing to the team,” remarked commentator Aslam Khota. “It’s just his bowling that might be a little off.” BN

***

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Raoul Duke – Sports Writer

Like all good sportsmen, Raoul was born in the Free State before being offered more money to move to Gauteng. He has such a keen knowledge of the games that he doesn’t need to watch it to know what’s going on. When he’s not following athletes around, Raoul can be found on his farm near Bronkhorstspruit, drinking whiskey and shooting his gun.

.