India Announces Plans to Colonise Britain

India is ready to set in motion a series of resolutions to claim ownership of the United Kingdom. “Britain rightfully belongs to us,” declared the president of India, Pranah Mukherjee. Speaking at the Rashtrapati Bhavan on Friday, Mukerjee explained the sub-continental nation’s ambition to take charge of the Commonwealth. Salim Malik trades his chips for chapatti.

The declaration came after genetic scientists from the University of Edinburgh traced Prince William’s ancestry back to his great-great-great-great-great grandfather’s housekeeper. Theodore Forbes, a Scottish merchant in Bombay, employed an Armenian – and also genetically part Indian – woman named Eliza Kewark. “There’s Indian blood coursing through those veins,” pronounced Mukherjee. “That makes him Indian, which means an Indian would be future king of Britain. If that be the case, England should submit to Indian rule immediately.”

“If the nation refuses subjugation, we will have no choice but to resort to a peaceful offensive,” proclaimed Mukherjee. India devised a plan of infiltrative nonviolence and civil insistence. “We plan on sending as many Indian immigrants to England as we possibly can,” he continued. “These pioneers will cease to work, initiate hartal and instigate civil disobedience until the United Kingdom finally submits to their Indian masters.”

Scottish nationalists emphatically rejected their inclusion in India’s plans for Commonwealth domination. “We may be part of the United Kingdom, but Scotland’s sons and daughters will be theirs not ever. They won’t take our land, and they won’t take our freedom,” declared Alex Salmond of the Scottish National Party. “If I must, I will paint my face blue, get on a horse and make a speech.” He also expressed dismay that a Scottish institute of higher learning is responsible for this predicament.

Mukherjee defended their right to rule over the Scots. “Scotland is a colony of England,” he said. “So, if England becomes an Indian colony, Scotland should by default become an Indian colony. We will take their land, and we will take their freedom.”

The Indian statesman dismissed the possibility that Scotland may claim supremacy. “As a current colonial subject, the Scots should rather focus on their own independence, and leave the colonial conquering to us,” he replied.

Prince William reportedly remarked that he’s proud of his Indian heritage, but asked that nobody tell his grandmother, as it would kill her. “You know how it is,” he said. “My grandmother is very proud of her superior, white, royal, ruling class snobbery. She’s still not quite over the dissolution of her entire empire.” The crown prince added that he doesn’t mind India’s proposition, claiming that the politics of the peasants doesn’t affect him in the least. “I’d still be king of my castle. I’d still be free in my trapped soul,” he intoned.

The Republic of Armenia has not yet indicated any course of action, nor expressed any ambition for colonial masterdom. BN

Glossary

Infiltrative nonviolence – A nonviolent invasion of a sovereign nation.
Civil insistence – An offensive form of civil resistance

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Salim Malik – Foreign Correspondent

Salim Malik is not sure where he’s from. That makes him a foreigner wherever he goes. Being a foreigner is all the experience he needs to be a foreign correspondent. Salim travels the globe hunting the news and chicken vindaloo.