Jacob Zuma Lied About His Standard 4

Jacob Zuma explains how a vacuum can exist within a contained space.

NKANDLA – Allegations have been made against South African President Jacob Zuma, accusing him that he lied about receiving an informal education from a lady with a Standard 4 (now known as Grade 6) qualification. New evidence allegedly proves that the woman who taught him to read and write only passed Standard 3.

These allegations follow a spate of qualification scandals involving top ANC officials. Hlaudi Motsoeneng was controversially promoted to COO at the SABC even though he lied about graduating from high school. Further investigation revealed that SABC Chairperson Ellen Tshabalala also lied about her degrees from UNISA.

Dr Pallo Jordan resigned from parliament after it emerged that he is as much a doctor as Doctor Khumalo. Turns out the good doctor doesn’t have a PhD after all. It just so happens that the title was mistakenly given to him in a news paper article after he was nearly killed by a letter bomb while in exile, and it just kind of stuck.

Unlike Dr Jordan, however, Jacob Zuma has no plans to resign. “A matric is not everything. What you need is experience,” maintains Hlaudi Motsoeneng, a staunch Zuma supporter. “And I am very experienced at making political connections to help me to the top.”

It’s a sentiment with which Zuma wholly agrees. “I’ve had plenty of experience hovering around presidents before I became president,” he confirmed. “That’s how I knew I was the right man for the job.”

Zuma also had lots of experience dealing with corruption scandals before becoming president, so he is well equipped to deal with corruption scandals as a president. “Corruption come part and parcel with the position,” he elaborated. “If you haven’t been corrupt before you became president, they will throw you to the lions.”

EFF Commander-in-chief Julius Malema was so outraged by the allegations that he stormed out of parliament. “Zuma must go,” he demanded. “This is unacceptable. We can’t have a president with a dismal education background.”

The DA criticised Zuma, claiming that they have seen no evidence that he possesses the necessary leadership skills to run a country. “We demand to see your leadership skills,” insisted party leader Helen Zille. “Hand it over, or we will go to court to make you hand it over.”

Zuma, however, remains firm that he is perfect for the position of president. “You don’t need leadership skills to be president,” he replied. “You need leadership skills to be a leader. To be president, you just need to be present.”

The ANC plans to launch a commission to investigate the qualifications of all government officials. However, it says Zuma will be excluded from the enquiry. “There is no reason to investigate President Zuma,” maintained presidential spokesman Mac Maharaj. “The fact that Zuma is not qualified for the job is already public knowledge.” BN

Radebe G. Radebe – Political Analyst

Radebe understands that you really need to look politics from all sides, weigh up all options and come to terms with what politics is before you can write about politics. This takes time and resources, and he never makes a deadline. Still, his ill-conceived articles are better than it would have been if he rushed it to meet demands. Even if we can never print it, because it’s too late.